S1: Did he hear me? Maybe when he bumped into the…. uh. No, maybe I should just tell th-
Offstage: All paper Staff Meeting in 10.
S1:Hopefully, it won’t matter once we get the new issue out. The boss is always encouraging us to move on, besides. He said it wasn't important when he interviewed Alex. Maybe he meant it? We can just talk about football, [S2 and S3 enter] It’s just one
S2: little thing, turns out, he’s a gay. DUDE WAS HITTING ON ME!
S1: [scowls, frowns] ay-
S3: AWWWWW COME ON! NO WAY DUUUUUDE! At a football game?
S1: I know my man! [Puts arm around S3, S3 gets uncomfortable and shakes him off] I’d rather my girl blab through the whole second half than get hit on by a dude at a game!
S2: Not just a dude [Politics enter] he was a pla- WAIT [Sports look at S1, then turn to check out the women in politics, not interested they turn away from each other, S1 still separate]
P2- (smug) Hello, Well, How are you.
P1- I am fine, yourself?
P2- grand. But, you think youd be marvelous, seeing as you have a new family member. How was the wedding by the way?
P1- (Says nothing, but goes ahead.) I read your article. It was…fairer than I originally thought. I think you presented your argument well.
P2 (surprised) Oh. Well thank you. It’s going to print now.
P1- I know.
P3: [acknowledges Sports] Good afternoon, Gentlemen-
W ALL: Gentlemen,
S1: [pleading] These guys!
W2 & W3: Yes?
W1: Please, tell me one of you grabbed the Brazillian tobacco? I have a feeling this meeting will be, a
W2 & W3: Waste of time.
W2: Aww yes, But who will lead the paper down the path of enlightenment?
W3: To be honest, there is no better candidate than
W1: Men who’ve travelled
W2: to pearl of the orient
W3: to the depths of the southern hemisphere
W1: to the far news
[mimes pipe smoking]
N: Theeeee booooosssss iiiiiissss back back back
We cant relax lax lax lax
wants more new stories stories stories
must make our stacks stack stacks
He wants to sell sell sell
lots of newspapers papers papers
wants to do well well well
wants us to cater cater cater
to our loyal readers readers readers
high school teachers teachers teachers
now the gays gays gays
now we gotta keep em keep keep em
S1: Now they know Im gay gay gay
P3: New issues to write write write
N & S1 & S2: hope nothing will change change change
W1: [Interupts] Ahem. Gentlmen
W: Gotta catch our flight flight flight
N: New assignments every day day day
P1: don’t know what to say say say
All: We all move on on on
N & S1: And stay the same same same
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
NEWESST MONOLOGUE
It all started a few months ago when the big heads asked us to go to “a training”
The memo gave us the date, time, location and a warning that if we didn’t show up
We’d lose our job.
They called it the “multicultural training”
and we were all promised that “our voices
are important to the success of the event
but the microphone never got around to us…
it was their token lesbian woman and a bunch of white men in business suits yelling about how we needed to be “more politically correct” the politics department had a field day!
P1: You have absolutely no training as a political analyst, you are hardly qualified to discuss the politics of anything.
P2: You don’t tell a black woman how to not be racist.
P3: Politically correct is not objective,
P4: it’s censorship
Their sassy little asses went fact for fact about this issue and that issue
Even the fact checkers were on Politics side.
F1: Ha! What do you know! The politicians DO do research?
F2: Ooooh, write that article!
and everyone else just sat there doing what they normally did.
S2: So round and plump and juicy and..
S3: Come on man, shoot already!
S2: Trust me, I’d like to!
S3: Dude, the football!
S2: What?
S3: Fumble!
The sports section, We kept score!
World news [smokes pipe]
W1: Gentleman, which one of you has the Turkish tobacco? I could go for a little Euroasia right now.
W2: Euroasia… I believe the ottoman empire fell years ago,
W3: I believe he’s trying to say
W2: that you smoked the last box months ago, right after carnaval!
W1: Blasted importing laws! We need more
W: turks in this office.
Apparently, they’re not big on fair trade
Turns out
Our newspaper published a homophobic comic
And our staff has to promise we’re all “friends to the queers”
and write articles to save our paper’s image
and not offend any more gays
The memo gave us the date, time, location and a warning that if we didn’t show up
We’d lose our job.
They called it the “multicultural training”
and we were all promised that “our voices
are important to the success of the event
but the microphone never got around to us…
it was their token lesbian woman and a bunch of white men in business suits yelling about how we needed to be “more politically correct” the politics department had a field day!
P1: You have absolutely no training as a political analyst, you are hardly qualified to discuss the politics of anything.
P2: You don’t tell a black woman how to not be racist.
P3: Politically correct is not objective,
P4: it’s censorship
Their sassy little asses went fact for fact about this issue and that issue
Even the fact checkers were on Politics side.
F1: Ha! What do you know! The politicians DO do research?
F2: Ooooh, write that article!
and everyone else just sat there doing what they normally did.
S2: So round and plump and juicy and..
S3: Come on man, shoot already!
S2: Trust me, I’d like to!
S3: Dude, the football!
S2: What?
S3: Fumble!
The sports section, We kept score!
World news [smokes pipe]
W1: Gentleman, which one of you has the Turkish tobacco? I could go for a little Euroasia right now.
W2: Euroasia… I believe the ottoman empire fell years ago,
W3: I believe he’s trying to say
W2: that you smoked the last box months ago, right after carnaval!
W1: Blasted importing laws! We need more
W: turks in this office.
Apparently, they’re not big on fair trade
Turns out
Our newspaper published a homophobic comic
And our staff has to promise we’re all “friends to the queers”
and write articles to save our paper’s image
and not offend any more gays
Thursday, April 8, 2010
NEWEST MONOLOGUE
It all started a few months ago when the big heads asked us to go to “a training”
The memo gave us the date, time, location and a warning that if we didn’t show up
We’d lose our job.
They called it the “multicultural training”
and we were all promised that “our voices
are important to the success of the event
but the microphone never got around to us…
it was their token lesbian woman and a bunch of white men in business suits yelling about how we needed to be “more politically correct” the politics department had a field day!
P1: You have absolutely no training as a political analyst, you are hardly qualified to discuss the politics of anything.
P2: You don’t tell a black woman how to not be racist.
P3: Politically correct is not objective,
P4: it’s censorship
Their sassy little asses went fact for fact about this issue and that issue
Even the fact checkers were on Politics side.
F1: Ha! What do you know! The politicians DO do research?
F2: Ooooh, write that article!
and everyone else just sat there doing what they normally did.
S2: So round and plump and juicy and..
S3: Come on man, shoot already!
S2: Trust me, I’d like to!
S3: Dude, the football!
S2: What?
S3: Fumble!
The sports section, We kept score!
World news [smokes pipe]
W1: Gentleman, which one of you has the Turkish tobacco? I could go for a little Euroasia right now.
W2: Euroasia… I believe the ottoman empire fell years ago,
W3: I believe he’s trying to say
W2: that you smoked the last box months ago, right after carnaval!
W1: Blasted importing laws! We need more
W: turks in this office.
Apparently, they’re not big on fair trade
So anyways nobody thought this
This other training would be any different.
But we dragged our diverse asses to it hoping that it wouldn't be the same.
The memo gave us the date, time, location and a warning that if we didn’t show up
We’d lose our job.
They called it the “multicultural training”
and we were all promised that “our voices
are important to the success of the event
but the microphone never got around to us…
it was their token lesbian woman and a bunch of white men in business suits yelling about how we needed to be “more politically correct” the politics department had a field day!
P1: You have absolutely no training as a political analyst, you are hardly qualified to discuss the politics of anything.
P2: You don’t tell a black woman how to not be racist.
P3: Politically correct is not objective,
P4: it’s censorship
Their sassy little asses went fact for fact about this issue and that issue
Even the fact checkers were on Politics side.
F1: Ha! What do you know! The politicians DO do research?
F2: Ooooh, write that article!
and everyone else just sat there doing what they normally did.
S2: So round and plump and juicy and..
S3: Come on man, shoot already!
S2: Trust me, I’d like to!
S3: Dude, the football!
S2: What?
S3: Fumble!
The sports section, We kept score!
World news [smokes pipe]
W1: Gentleman, which one of you has the Turkish tobacco? I could go for a little Euroasia right now.
W2: Euroasia… I believe the ottoman empire fell years ago,
W3: I believe he’s trying to say
W2: that you smoked the last box months ago, right after carnaval!
W1: Blasted importing laws! We need more
W: turks in this office.
Apparently, they’re not big on fair trade
So anyways nobody thought this
This other training would be any different.
But we dragged our diverse asses to it hoping that it wouldn't be the same.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
New monologue
It all started a few months ago when the big heads asked us to go to “a training”
The memo gave us the date, time, location and a warning that if we didn’t show up
We’d lose our job.
This wasn’t a new thing for us
We all remembered the “diversity dinner” were
we had to welcome our new multicultural staff
I think it was more like our boss’s way of
Saying “LOOK, I’M NOT A RACIST!”
I had been working there for a year
And I guess he hadn’t noticed me
Because when I walked by that jackasses table he
Said, “Excuse Me, Bus boy – can you clear the table for us”
When I told him I’m a writer for the sports column
He welcomed me and assured me that my new job
Would be a friendly work environment for colored
People like me…. Suuuuure.
A month after that we had a “multicultural training”
we were all promised that “our voices
were somehow important to the success of the event
but the microphone never got around to us…
it was just bunch of white men in business suits yelling
about how we needed to be “more politically correct”
the politics department had a field day!
P1: You have absolutely no training as a political analyst, you are hardly qualified to discuss the politics of anything.
P2: You don’t tell a black woman how to not be racist.
P3: Politically correct is not objective,
P4: it’s censorship
Their sassy little asses went fact for fact about this issue and that issue
and everyone else just sat there doing what they normally did.
S2: So round and plump and juicy and..
S3: Come on man, shoot already!
S2: Trust me, I’d like to!
S3: Dude, the football!
S2: What?
S3: Fumble!
The sports section, We kept score!
Fashion too, but they must have been
Watching the fall clothing line c
ause they kept talking
Amongst themselves and periodically cackling at the most awkward moments
World news [smokes pipe]
W1: Gentleman, which one of you has the Turkish tobacco? I could go for a little Euroasia right now.
W2: Euroasia… I believe the ottoman empire fell years ago,
W3: I believe he’s trying to say
W2: that you smoked the last box months ago, right after carnaval!
W1: Blasted importing laws! We need more
W: turks in this office.
Apparently, they’re not big on fair trade
So anyways nobody thought this
This other training would be any different.
But we dragged our diverse asses to it hoping that it wouldn't be the same.
The memo gave us the date, time, location and a warning that if we didn’t show up
We’d lose our job.
This wasn’t a new thing for us
We all remembered the “diversity dinner” were
we had to welcome our new multicultural staff
I think it was more like our boss’s way of
Saying “LOOK, I’M NOT A RACIST!”
I had been working there for a year
And I guess he hadn’t noticed me
Because when I walked by that jackasses table he
Said, “Excuse Me, Bus boy – can you clear the table for us”
When I told him I’m a writer for the sports column
He welcomed me and assured me that my new job
Would be a friendly work environment for colored
People like me…. Suuuuure.
A month after that we had a “multicultural training”
we were all promised that “our voices
were somehow important to the success of the event
but the microphone never got around to us…
it was just bunch of white men in business suits yelling
about how we needed to be “more politically correct”
the politics department had a field day!
P1: You have absolutely no training as a political analyst, you are hardly qualified to discuss the politics of anything.
P2: You don’t tell a black woman how to not be racist.
P3: Politically correct is not objective,
P4: it’s censorship
Their sassy little asses went fact for fact about this issue and that issue
and everyone else just sat there doing what they normally did.
S2: So round and plump and juicy and..
S3: Come on man, shoot already!
S2: Trust me, I’d like to!
S3: Dude, the football!
S2: What?
S3: Fumble!
The sports section, We kept score!
Fashion too, but they must have been
Watching the fall clothing line c
ause they kept talking
Amongst themselves and periodically cackling at the most awkward moments
World news [smokes pipe]
W1: Gentleman, which one of you has the Turkish tobacco? I could go for a little Euroasia right now.
W2: Euroasia… I believe the ottoman empire fell years ago,
W3: I believe he’s trying to say
W2: that you smoked the last box months ago, right after carnaval!
W1: Blasted importing laws! We need more
W: turks in this office.
Apparently, they’re not big on fair trade
So anyways nobody thought this
This other training would be any different.
But we dragged our diverse asses to it hoping that it wouldn't be the same.
Friday, January 22, 2010
Dakota: Opening Monologue
It all started a few months ago when the big heads asked us to go to “a training”
The memo gave us the date, time, location and a warning that if we didn’t show up
We’d lose our job.
This wasn’t a new thing for us
We all remembered the “diversity dinner” were
we had to welcome our new multicultural staff
I think it was more like our boss’s way of
Saying “LOOK, I’M NOT A RACIST!”
I had been working there for a year
And I guess he hadn’t noticed me
Because when I walked by that jackasses table he
Said, “Excuse Me, Bus boy – can you clear the table for us”
When I told him I’m a writer for the sports column
He welcomed me and assured me that my new job
Would be a friendly work environment for colored
People like me…. Suuuuure.
A month after that we had a “multicultural training”
we were all promised that “our voices
were somehow important to the success of the event
but the microphone never got around to us…
it was just bunch of white men in business suits yelling
about how we needed to be “more politically correct”
the politics department had a field day!
Their sassy little asses went fact for fact about this issue and that issue
and everyone else just sat there doing what they normally did.
The sports section, We kept score!
Fashion too, but they must have been
Watching the fall clothing line cause they kept talking
Amongst themselves and periodically cackling at the most awkward moments
World news insisted we needed more Turks in the office,
something about cheap imports. Apparently, they’re not big on fair trade
So anyways nobody thought this
This other training would be any different.
But we dragged our diverse asses to it hoping that it wouldn't be the same.
The memo gave us the date, time, location and a warning that if we didn’t show up
We’d lose our job.
This wasn’t a new thing for us
We all remembered the “diversity dinner” were
we had to welcome our new multicultural staff
I think it was more like our boss’s way of
Saying “LOOK, I’M NOT A RACIST!”
I had been working there for a year
And I guess he hadn’t noticed me
Because when I walked by that jackasses table he
Said, “Excuse Me, Bus boy – can you clear the table for us”
When I told him I’m a writer for the sports column
He welcomed me and assured me that my new job
Would be a friendly work environment for colored
People like me…. Suuuuure.
A month after that we had a “multicultural training”
we were all promised that “our voices
were somehow important to the success of the event
but the microphone never got around to us…
it was just bunch of white men in business suits yelling
about how we needed to be “more politically correct”
the politics department had a field day!
Their sassy little asses went fact for fact about this issue and that issue
and everyone else just sat there doing what they normally did.
The sports section, We kept score!
Fashion too, but they must have been
Watching the fall clothing line cause they kept talking
Amongst themselves and periodically cackling at the most awkward moments
World news insisted we needed more Turks in the office,
something about cheap imports. Apparently, they’re not big on fair trade
So anyways nobody thought this
This other training would be any different.
But we dragged our diverse asses to it hoping that it wouldn't be the same.
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